Connecting with kids and the Magic Ratio

By Julie Smith, Psychologist, Junior School

Our present lockdown is very challenging for families, with parents often juggling their own work responsibilities with the role of supervising and organising their children’s home learning.

Spending more time at home with your children provides an opportunity to connect and engage more with them. For many adults ‘connecting’ is experienced as an event or something we do with our kids. It often happens in ways that fit with everyone’s timetables, routines, interests and energy levels. We are more accustomed to having our days organised around the routines of school or work so our current lockdown lives have changed the shape and look of most of our days. With change comes opportunity!

Psychological researcher and clinician John Gottman’s important research on relationships and parenting reminds us that for relationships to thrive and be healthy we need a ratio of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction. A negative interaction can be anything from a frown, correcting, criticising, yelling, ignoring or being dismissive. Alternatively, positive interactions might be experienced in ‘micro-moments’, like hugs, smiles, eye contact and more deliberate responses like praise, encouragement, empathy, interest and joining in. Positive interactions are moments of connection that communicate warmth and acceptance, and value ‘being with' your child as much as ‘doing with’ your child. But it’s important to be mindful that these gestures are only positive if your child experiences them as positive, e.g. providing encouragement to a child to do something may be experienced more as pressure than as support, even when that is not the intention of the parent – the positive comes from the receiving, rather than the delivering!

Connecting with child_Unsplash

So, being at home with your children all day presents many opportunities for micro-moments of connection – big gestures aren’t necessarily more meaningful when it comes to connection. And, if we hold in mind Gottman’s Magic 5:1 Ratio, we might view connection as practice or habits that allow us to ‘be with’ and communicate acceptance and understanding throughout our day.

Here are some ideas to help you build your Magic Ratio and connect meaningfully in micro-moments.

  • Wait and watch: Rather than jumping in to direct activity or organise your child’s activities, wait and see what they are drawn to … then join in.
  • Listen more: Talk less, watch more, to communicate ‘I am interested in you’.
  • Notice: Look out for and notice something about your child, as they are, that is new or different. Don’t focus on what they are doing, but rather who they are, i.e. something you see in them. This could be ‘you seem taller’, ‘you’ve got a huge smile’ or ‘you look pleased with yourself’ and then them tell them what you notice.
  • Slow it down: Do something at your child’s pace
  • Play: Play with no goal in mind except having fun together and relaxing.
  • Hug: Use non-verbal behaviours like hugs, touch and smiles to communicate ‘I see you, I like you’. As Virginia Satir, the pioneering family therapist, once said: ‘We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth’.
  • Unplug: Turn technology off to help yourself tune in to your child.
  • Transition times: Moments of transition are opportunities to connect, hug, laugh, and check in before you move from one thing to the next.

References
www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science
Satir, V (1998), The New Peoplemaking, Science & Behavior Books Inc.

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